H is for Home

In 2017 I wrote about H is for Home and how no *home* out of 24 give or take I've lived in felt permanent after leaving the first at age 11. We are now in what I assume and hope is the last one and as yet it still feels like the *place I live* rather than home.

Perhaps it's just I don't have a working idea for what home would feel like, lol.  So perhaps that is the part I will bring into awareness...and see what happens.

G is for Gratitude

2017 G was for Grace. I've grown to love that word. It expresses so many things. It's how I think of the Source of everything. It feels like kindness and opportunity to learn and being grateful when things go well and trying again when things go sideways and gratitude for that, too. So I guess this year I'm grateful for continuing to live with the idea of Grace.

Deliberately Embracing Faith

Today is a reset.  What happens is I get behind, and behind and then behind some more and then want to quit.  Considering the topics here so far, this is resistance and sabotage in action, isn't it?  So I get to decide if it will be a fail or a reset.



2017 D was for having a Dialogue with the resistance and sabotage sisters. Hmmm, I was going to say that was a one off and I didn't do the dialogue thing again. But now I think about it, I do dialogue with myself and the sisters very often when I'm trying to talk myself into or out of *whatever*. Mostly I tend to think nothing is a fail, it's all just lessons to learn.  So for this A to Z thing I've talked myself into getting caught up in one post and start fresh tomorrow with renewed determination to get out a post a day.



2017 E was for my belief that overcoming my reluctance to Embrace life is my life lesson to learn.
2017 F was for my questioning what is Faith and do I have it and suspecting it would be helpful for the whole learning to embrace life thing.

Which is interesting since for the past few weeks I have been Deliberately Embracing the idea of Faith in "God" via a 40 day commitment to lessons from A Course in Miracles. I have a hard time with the god, jesus, christ language (reminds me too much of the religion of my youth) but some of the ideas are good. So far it's not changing how I think or feel about what I think about the higher power, source, energy I do believe in. And it has got me thinking more about whether I'm willing to embrace faith and if not, why not.

I don't know off hand what G was in 2017. I hope it's an easy one.

C is for Congruence

2017: C was for choosing consciousness as a way to deal with resistance and sabotage. This is ongoing as I still often need to CHOOSE to be conscious. Still doesn't come automatically.

I would say my C word for 2018 was cognitive dissonance, which is the feeling that comes when my beliefs, actions and knowledge don't match up. Exploring that evolved into this year's word: Congruence, the desire to reconcile how I walk in the world with my beliefs. Of course this means I need to know what I believe <smile> To that end I'm exploring some of my bigger conflicts to find a more congruent way to live.

As a side note, I believe my body manifests these conflicts physically, not necessarily a direct result but as an expression of poor lifestyle choices or genetic predisposition. So if I'm going to get "sick" the kind of "sick" I get will be a mirror of sorts of these internal conflicts. For example I don't think it's random that one thing that's manifested for me is double vision, lol. Want to hold 2 conflicting beliefs? Fine, see 2 of everything...

Wouldn't it be interesting if my vision resolves if I gain congruence?

B is for Balance

Two years ago, B was for Being Bad. I wrote about being on a path of self improvement yet never getting to where I wanted to be because of resistance to change and self sabotage (I called them sisters) and how self sabotage (being bad) kept me straddling the line between reaching full potential and staying in place.

I feel I've made progress. I've stopped striving to get to an unidentified "somewhere", reminding myself to be in the present moment. I have goals: to be healthy, to be of use, to become open to love.
Those of course break down into actionable things that I'm taking time to do this year in a more intentional way.  But mostly I'm looking for balance between striving (that can become wheel-spinning and thus resistance) and not striving (that can become mindlessness and self sabotage)

What I have really learned is that how I treat my body...food, exercise, rest, self care...determines how and when the resistance and sabotage sisters show up and how much havoc they wreak. And if those aspects of caring for myself are in place I am able to find balance and congruence between my beliefs and actions.

Ah, congruence. That is my word for this year, but that will wait for the next post.

A is for Again

Well, here I am Again. I decided at the last minute to attempt to do the A to Z challenge this year after skipping it in 2018. The only plan I have is to use what I wrote for the challenge in 2017 as jumping off points and see if I've grown or changed or regressed in the intervening two years. And may I just say, OMG, 2! Years!! The older I get the faster time flies.

In 2017 I had hopes of establishing a regular writing practice with the A to Z posts being possible writing prompts. This year I harbor no illusions that consistent writing beyond April is going to happen. And I am fine with that.

So much for A. I have no idea if I'll get through to Z. I'm fine with that, too.