Sunday, April 30, 2017

Z is for Zed


Z is for Zed, the end of the alphabet. Earlier this year I read Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring and read this poem that I want read at the end of my life.


I sit beside the fire and think
of all that I have seen,
of meadow-flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been; 

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
in autumns that there were,
with morning mist and silver sun
and wind upon my hair. 

I sit beside the fire and think
of how the world will be
when winter comes without a spring
that I shall ever see. 

For still there are so many things
that I have never seen:
in every wood in every spring
there is a different green. 

I sit beside the fire and think
of people long ago,
and people who will see a world
that I shall never know. 

But all the while I sit and think
of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
and voices at the door.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Y is for Yet



Y is for Yet as in I haven't done <fill in the blank> YET. And while I no longer beat myself up over the past I do want to find balance with being here now and looking back to see what happened. If there's time I'd like to maybe actually do one or two of the things I think I want to do or maybe just discern what that is. 

Bonus word: Y is for Yesterday at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.

X is for the eXamined life


"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates
Most of the time I agree with Socrates' quote. I believe getting into addiction recovery offered me an invitation to lead an examined life. I also believe it's a worthy endeavor. And it's unsettling. And once you start, it's hard if not impossible to return to one's previous oblivious life.
Granted I'm only speaking for myself. I was raised in a world where free though was not encouraged. It was a world of following the rules and acting as one should in order to be good and accepted in the group. As I got older and started questioning the rules I was so frightened of the consequences I tried to make that world even smaller with more rules to follow so I could be ok. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore and just numbed out with sugar and silence.
Then I tried doing the 7 Steps of the Radiant Recovery program as outlined in the book Potatoes Not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons. I connected with the Radiant Recovery online community and a year after quitting sugar went to my first seminar (Radiant Ranch). At Ranch I dared to whisper to the universe (as I had stopped trusting the god of my youth) that I wanted to have a life filled with passion and joy. Being steady with the food and more balanced in my brain I was able to begin examining my life and changing what didn't fit.
And it goes on. I have most recently been nudged to examine how the god of my youth might fit in my life. This is 30 years coming and 15+ years into doing the food. and 12 years since my whisper to the universe at Ranch. So, yes, it takes time and is ongoing.
I admit there are times I long to go back to the simplicity and mindlessness of the unexamined life. That is a sure sign that my program is off. My big danger danger signal. And I ask myself "Is the examined life worth it?" Absolutely! is my answer.
I cross posted today so no bonus word.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

W is for Writing prompts


I realized along about letter E that what I'm doing here is making myself a list of writing prompts. If my goal is to have a regular writing practice, I need something to write about. In writing my story I haven't know where to start or what exactly to write about. Now I will have 26 topics to expand on. Fifty-one if I count what I've posted at the Radiant Recovery site (there was one duplicate, I think) Whether I keep up with writing regularly without this outside push remains to be seen.

Bonus Word: W is for Waiting at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.




Wednesday, April 26, 2017

V is for Vulnerability


This is one of those concepts that I struggle with. Right there in the same box with surrender and grace and unconditional love. All related I'm betting like threads woven together. Wool threads, woven together and felted. So tightly bound that if I can touch just one, all will be revealed.

I mean being vulnerable means being open to attack. Being willing to receive hurts in order to also receive blessings. It doesn't work both ways. It's also a matter of degree, I think. I'm open to this much (tiny bit) hurt so I get this much (equal tiny bit) blessing. Have to find the balance I can live with, that will be good enough. 

Except what if I want more than good enough? What if I want everything?

Bonus Word: don't know yet but it will be at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.

U is for Ubiety



I was going to use ubiquitous which means being everywhere at the same time. Then I saw ubiety listed right before it in my trusty Webster's. Ubiety: the condition of being in a particular  place. So basically the opposite of  ubiquity. So one wonders why ubiquitous is a commonly known word and ubiety is now considered rare?

I like the idea of being in a particular place. Makes me think of mindfulness. Be here now. It is what it is. 

Bonus Word: U is for Unique at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.

T is for Tangible


So I live in my head a lot of the time. I'm into self improvement. Self actualization. Being a better person. Being useful in the world. More and more I want to be more tangible. I want my goals to be tangible. Something I can see and measure and touch. No clue what I want to do about it. Yet.

Bonus Word: T is for Teachable at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum. 


Monday, April 24, 2017

S is for Searching


Perhaps as in searching for excuses to avoid writing everyday. Like being sick or at work or out of town. Perhaps as in being a searcher looking for the answer to the great questions, who am I? why am I here? Searching becomes a problem when the goal becomes the search rather than living the answers. How will I ever know if I've found the answer if I don't stop to live a life in the meantime? 

Bonus Word: S is for Super foods at the Radiant Recovery Community forum.

R is for Resources


I have lots of resources to use in this journey to self actualization. Books, videos, classes,  teachers, friends, enemies. I've been collecting them for years. Has my progress matched the resources? No. At this point I know just doing something, anything is better than continuing to collect the illusion of progress.

Bonus Word: Q is for Quest Ions (because I put the R word with Q post) at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Q is for Questioning


I haven't kept up with writing every day. This is the second time I'm playing catch-up. So what are my excuses? First time busy with work and this time feeling crappy and sick. Are they good enough excuses? I think it just is what it is and I pick up and carry on.

Which brings me to questioning. I question myself often. How did I end up here? (irrelevant, I'm here) Where am I headed? (I'll know when I get there) Why can't I follow through on plans? Why is it so hard to even make a plan? (if you want to hear god laugh, make a plan)

I'm not sure questioning is a good use of my mind. I think noticing is more useful. See what comes up and go from there.

Bonus Word: R is for Ranch at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

P is for Power and Perseverance


In G is for Grace I mentioned the Deepak Chopra book Power Freedom and Grace. Power refers to the idea that we have the power to manifest the life we want. I like the idea and believe it. What I give out I get back. Where I put my energy is what grows. But it takes perseverance because a lot of the time life really doesn't look like it's working out that way. I believe what Anne Lamott says, that Grace bats last and if I keep on with the quest for my best life it will happen. Is, in fact, happening now.

Bonus Word! P is for Posting at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum

O is for Oasis


Any place or thing offering welcome relief. What I'd like welcome relief from is all the noise in my head and the circus view I have of the world now. Literally. Every now and then I forget I can't see straight for a moment or I don't notice the hum in my head. But like the cartoon character who runs off a cliff and is fine for a moment until he looks down, they are there waiting.

Still, I can go outside, stand in the sun and breeze and smell the morning and for that moment experience oasis.

Bonus Word! O is for Opportunity at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum



N is for Never



Never is a word that makes me feel twitchy. Always is another. When I say or think either it gives me pause. I almost wrote always gives me pause and that simply isn't true. Nothing is never and nothing is always. 

I used to see the world in black and white, right and wrong. Now I see in shades of gray. Gray is way more complicated and also way more interesting.

Bonus Word! N is for Nuance at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

M is for Misery

I attended a seminar with the Radiant Recovery group with a presentation about addiction to misery. It was a big aha moment for me. ( you can read about Ranch here) I realized misery permeated pretty much every aspect of my life. Eventually even realizing I used working on recovery as a way to mine for misery by continually looking for ways to be broken so I could *fix* something rather than just being happy to live my radiant life.
So I took a break for a couple years. Pretty much 2 years of exploring what was *me* and what was *misery* and even looking to see if sugar could teach me anything. After that, though, I went back to using sugar to *cope* and went down a rabbit hole. Another 3 years of making peace with my journey and learning how to embrace recovery again without pressing my misery buttons.
I've come to believe Kathleen DesMaison's assessment that the time away was a time of consolidation with what was authentic healing settling in and what wasn't falling away. Misery still lurks in the urge to be bad and justas and other addiction pods so I look to stay mindful and intentional about having my focus on knowing I am not broken, I am healing.
No Bonus word. Instead, here are 2 Radiant Recovery newsletter articles about misery and its impact. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

L is for Labels


L is for the Labels we give ourselves and each other. I've given myself a couple over the course of this challenge. And will probably give myself a few more. I think it's a good idea to make sure the labels I put on myself or others are written on post its so they can be easily removed. Because people change. Circumstances change. If the label is on one of those awful stickers that's impossible to get off then we start to believe we can't change. And we can if we want to.

Bonus Word! L is for Life (as in get one) at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

K is for Kind


I am not a naturally kind person. I have to work at it. I'm cynical and sarcastic. It's not that I don't care. I've always cared but more often than not, I'm too inhibited to express it. I live in my head to much to the detriment of my heart.

It's been more than a decade since I made a decision to try to be kind after getting a job in customer service. At the time I'd been on a conscious path to heal my craziness for a while but didn't feel I had much to offer the world so I decided I could be kind. That would be my contribution to the world.

Maybe soon I'll be able to freely express how much I care.

Bonus Word! K is for Kindred at the Community forum at Radiant Recovery where K is always for Kathleen DesMaisons Ph.D. who is the world’s leading expert on sugar addiction. Before anyone else thought it was real, Kathleen was offering a solution that works. Read her story here

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

J is for Judgement and Justification


These two seem to go together. I used to be consumed by a fear of being judged. To be found lacking and have my unworthiness shown to the world. And when feeling judged, the justification starts. Twisting and contorting in a desperate attempt to justify my existence and not be reduced to the nothing I believed I was.

Now judgement is tolerable. I know I won't burst into flames or land in hell. If justification starts its yammering I know it's time to step back and do a reality check. If I'm trying to justify my behavior there is likely truth in the judgement and I need to find and accept my part. And go on from there being better.

Bonus Words at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum: J is for Journal and Justas. Read it here

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

I is for Inhibitions


I is for Inhibitions of which I have many. I looked up the definition in my trusty Webster's: n. a mental or psychological process that restrains or suppresses an action, emotion, or thought. 

Hmmm, that makes it sound like I have many mental or psychological processes. I've thought of my inhibitions as being the actions, emotions or thoughts that I suppress rather than the the processing going on in my head that prevents me from their expression. 

This is what I love about a good dictionary, it can prompt a different way of thinking, not to mention checking so I'm saying what I think I'm saying. All this to say, the universe seems to think it's time to work through a couple of these mental processes so I can be a bit more uninhibited. A little more free which sounds pretty good.

Bonus phrase! I is for It Is what It Is at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum. Read it here

Monday, April 10, 2017

H is for Home


Home: one's dwelling place. I made a list. I've lived in 24 as best I can remember. I'm not sure any of them felt like a home-is-where-the-heart-is place. The summer I turned 11 we left the childhood home for our usual summer vacation visiting the grandparents. And never lived there again. 
To me home is not a permanent thing, there's no place to go back to. There is only here, now. 

Bonus word! H is for Hard (as in: it doesn't have to be) at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum. Read about it here

Sunday, April 9, 2017

G is for Grace


Grace. I find myself unable to put into words what Grace means to me. It's a big word. I can be in it, filled with it, speak it and be it. 

The closest to what I think is explained in Deepak Chopra's book Power, Freedom, and Grace: Living from the Source of Lasting Happiness. Basically being in harmony with the rhythms of the universe. Power to manifest the life I desire, freedom from fear and limitation, experiencing Grace, the synchronicity with the universe so that life flows rather than fighting battles all the time. 
That's just my recollection of the gist. 

Bonus word! G is for Get to at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum. Read it here


Friday, April 7, 2017

F is for Faith


George Michael was singing Faith when I turned on the radio a few minutes ago. I know a sign when I hear one so F is for Faith. I'm sitting here asking myself, "what do I have faith in?" The second sentence (yes I'm counting) implies I have faith in signs. Do I? Can I believe in signs but not have faith in them? There are things I thought at one time I had faith in and there are things I want desperately to have faith in. 

I could also rephrase it by changing "I have" to "put my" in those sentences. "What do I put my faith in?" Same meaning? or different? Does it matter?

What I do know is if I am going to be able to embrace life, faith will be a necessary part of it.

Bonus word! F is for Frame at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum. Read it here

Thursday, April 6, 2017

E is for Embrace


For a time I imagined that if I ever get a tattoo it will be the word Embrace.  Starting at the wrist, extending down or is it up? Not aligned with the edge of my palm but extended along the artery where I feel my pulse. A reminder of the lesson I believe I'm here in this lifetime to learn. I tend to meet life only at arm's length and I want to be closer.

Bonus word at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum. Read E is for Eating here

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

D is for Dialogue


Continuing the theme of the resistance and sabotage sisters...D is for Dialogue.
I took the conversation to a support group I'm part of at Radiant Recovery (the self-discovery / healing path where I've done much of my personal development over the past many years). One suggestion I received was to have a Dialogue with the sisters and see what comes up. Sounded like an interesting approach so I gave it a go. 

Since Sister Resistance is the instigator I started with her. I wrote a conversation. First I asked why she wanted to veg out with netflix. She said she was tired and wanted to be asleep. Tired of what? Of being awake. 

We kind of went in circles for a bit...

We covered old ground mostly but one interesting thing did happen. While she was speaking, a thought darted out so quickly I only glimpsed it before it ducked behind a corner. I felt a physical jolt. So I know a truth is there, a reason the sisters are here with me for now. 

The even better interesting thing is that conscious me is here, too. Where before, a cadre of voices was always at the ready to berate, belittle and judge me for my very existence I now have this voice of my conscious self that is kind and encouraging who nudges me forward to where I am more and more my potential, possible self.

I think I will continue to write a dialogue with the sisters and see if that true thought will come out in the light.

Bonus word at the Radiant Recovery Community Forum. D for Depression. Read it here 



Tuesday, April 4, 2017

C is for Choosing Consciousness


Choosing consciousness is how I deal with the resistance and sabotage sisters. Being aware, present, in the moment, intentional, mindful.

If I'm aware of the urge to be bad and aware that it's just an urge to resist and sabotage and aware that I always have a choice in what action to take, or not take as the case may be, then I get to make the choice that brings me closer to where I want to be. And if I choose to take a step away from that, well then, I get to be aware of that, too, and I get to be aware of the result and choose better next time. Or not.

Bonus word! C is for Carbs. Read about that here


Monday, April 3, 2017

B is for Being Bad


Let me preface today's thought. I have been on an intentional path of self improvement for many years. Yet I never seem to get to where I want to be even though in so many ways life is better. I am pretty darn great, actually.. The resistance and self sabotage sisters are never too far away, lurking around corners ready to pounce when I take another step out of my comfort zone. I grow despite the efforts of those two but without them progress would be so much more efficient, don't you think?

That said, B is for Being Bad.

The idea of Being Bad came yesterday while I was driving alone, as it often does. Being Bad as in let's stop at Sonic and get some ice cream. I don't actually want ice cream...or cookies...or candy...or whatever, Or when I sat down to write this, for instance, and the lure of vegging out with netflix sounded really good even though I "want" to write. I just want to Be Bad. Because by Being Bad I can straddle the line between reaching my full potential and staying where I am (or going in reverse).

Why the heck is it so scary to think about being all I can be?

Bonus word! B is for Breakfast and you can read about that here

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Back again. A is for Action

 

As you can see, I've written not a word here since last year's Z. Therein lies the problem. I would like to be a person with a regular writing habit but my brain is not on board. Resistance is strong, willpower is not even a thing as far as I am concerned. I've had some success in the past with using small steps to instill a habit, so will use this A-to-Z Challenge to start a daily writing practice.

At least that's the plan.

So A is for taking Action. Taking a small step in the direction I want to go. A step small enough that my brain won't freak out. Stephen Guise in his book Mini Habits:Smaller Habits, Bigger Results refers to steps that "stupid small."  I like that. Stupid small.

I thought about making my daily goal 50 words, but don't laugh, that seems like a lot. So I counted the words in the first paragraph above and it's more than 50. Not so bad but counting words feels like a chore. There's five sentences. I can do 5 sentences. Of course I can write as much as I want, but I only have to write 5 sentences to be successful. Go, me! I can do this. 

Bonus word! A is for Addiction. Addiction to sugar to be exact. I've written about that here
This is the Community Forum at the Radiant Recovery the website of Kathleen DesMaisons, author of Potatoes not Prozac, The Sugar Addicts Total Recovery Program, Your Last Diet, and Little Sugar Addicts. These books changed my life. Doing the Radiant Recovery program saved it.